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.I founda bunch of index cards she d written notes on.One was quotes froma book on psychological-control techniques:1.Use the diminutive of his name.Call him Johnny to make him feelsubordinate.2.Pat him last when leaving, to make him feel inferior.And that afternoon, when I told her she could go home, she said, Okay, Johnny.See you tomorrow. And patted me on the shoulder. Yep, I said, and patted her arm.Two can play this mind-game crap, bitch. Night, she smiled, and patted me again. See ya, I nodded, and patted her again. Well, I guess I ll be going, she said, and she reached but Ijumped back. Would you get going already? I said. Okay, she shrugged, Johnny. She did have a sense of humor.Like she d always joke, I had adream last night that I killed you.Ha ha. She told Derek that she could kill me and commit the perfectmurder and get away with it. Well now Athena, Derek said, finally watching my back, no-body can commit the perfect murder.Everybody slips up.Everyonegets caught sooner or later. We were all weirded out by her.People started staying away fromme because she was so creepy.Meanwhile, she swore all the guyswere in love with her.She started dating these much younger dudeson the sets of my movies.But she d creep them out, too.She was avery strange woman.But she was brilliant.She could run the shit outof everything I needed her to run.It took me a year to figure out how to fire her, but I finally hit on it. Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 181* Athena, I tell her, you re too good for this job.It makes me feelbad.You re wasting your talents. And she says, Poop. I go, Excuse me? You heard me! she yells. That s a lot of poop. I lost it.I d been putting up with her madness, and tiptoeingaround my own assistant for a year.I stood all I could stands, I can tstands no more. Listen, you manipulative psycho, I yell back, I don t want youpoisoning my life anymore with your fucking sad antics.You refired. You can t just throw me away, she counters. An assistant isn t atoy.I could have made your life so perfect.I could have helped you. I m counting to ten for you to get the hell out of my house, Isaid. If you re not out I m calling the police and having you put away.One.two.three. Athena is crushed.She starts picking up her things, sobbing. Ten, I say. And give me my keys, you won t need them any-more. She turns at the door, roots for the keys and then hurls themat my face with all her might.They whoosh past my face and burythemselves like knives in the wall by my head.CH-CHUNG.She slams the door on her way out.I run to the alarm and set it.Then I start examining the office.I unplug the fax machine shemay have wired a bomb to it.I lose contact with the world at large,but at least I am alive to tell about it.Next thing I heard of Athena, she was working for a televisionseries.Well, people do fail up in this industry.Actually, she d written herself a glowing recommendation on mystationery, and forged my signature.Whatever.She was their problem now. 182 JOHN LEGUIZAMO*Still, her malignant freakazoid spirit continued to haunt me fora while.Like I had the bitchingest time with any equipment I d hadher buy for the office.They wouldn t give me the warranties, becauseshe had signed for it all in her name.* * *ell, at least Teeny and I were rocking.We had our familiesWmeet that Christmas in New York.I made it a costumedChristmas party.I wanted as many layers of camouflage on my fam-ily as possible.But of course they found ways to embarrass me, even in disguise.First, my mother comes dressed up all orange and smelling likea fish. Besitos todo el mundo! Feliz Navidad! Merry Christmas! I grabbed her arm. Mom, what the hell are you wearing? Papi, I m trying to impress them.I m lox.Smoked salmon. Mom, go home and change. Don t be silly.Serge, help me.My schmear is slipping. We lit Hanukkah candles for Teeny s parents.My father instantlyblew them out. Dad, what the hell? Sorry, mijo.I thought it was my birthday. You people are mortifying me, I groan. Why can t you be likeher parents? And then Teeny s father comes over to me and says, Hey, You re-gay, we took these pictures in Cancún.Boy, do we love Mexico. No offense, vato sir, but I m not Mexican. Whatever, he shrugs.He puts his arm around my shoulderand leans toward me, all conspiratorial-like. My daughter tells methat she loves you, he murmurs martini breath in my ear. What s Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends 183*it gonna take to make you disappear? Fifty? A hundred? Here s ahundred-dollar bill.I bet you never seen one of these before. You d have to talk to my agent, I say, wriggling out of his hug. Why don t we ask Teeny what she thinks. She s just a child, he tut-tuts. Look, you seem like a smart guy.You must know it s not gonna work.I m trying to spare you someheartache.She s gone slumming before. I ll take my chances, I say through gritted teeth. You think you re different? he growls. You think you got bigcojones? He pronounces it co-joanies. And then he lays this big, wet martini kiss on my cheek. Actually I do too, son, he says. You got the balls to marry intothis family, then you re man enough for me. I was like what the ? But that was how it was with me and Tee-ny s dad.Not quite a love hate relationship, cuz I don t think he reallyhated me.He was just being a dad and overprotective of his daughter.It developed into a grudging respect sort of thing.In spite of himself,he sort of dug that I was a rebel and so brazen in my shows [ Pobierz caÅ‚ość w formacie PDF ]